A LETTER TO MY FUTURE WIFE: Keep your female friends away from me

Dear Serwaa,

I am not comfortable with how your female friends are getting close to me. Your best friend Ewurabena, for instance, was upset when she called several times Friday night and I didn’t pick up. She said she was in my neighbourhood and wanted us to sit somewhere for a drink. I find this awkward, especially because she knew you were out of town.

Some of your so-called friends seem to be competing with you for my attention and I think it is dangerous. I wanted to write this letter for a long time, but I have always wondered what you would think about me. But I decided to write it all the same even if you doubt my faithfulness to you. For me, a wise and faithful man is not the one who tolerates temptation and tries to fight the urge. A man who is truly faithful to his partner is the one who senses temptation and starts running before that temptation takes the first step towards him.

You appear too naïve in this regard for my liking. You think your friends are incapable of causing any harm. I know you trust me. I will not do anything to betray that trust, but I think you must get certain things straight and right. No matter how well you trust me or your friends, you must always remember that we are human. Proximity leads to attraction and sometimes this develops into something ugly. Let me tell you a true story of my friend in the US who trusted her friend and boyfriend so much that she learnt her lesson the hard way last year.

Fiona and Akua were childhood friends. They lived like sisters. The only time they got really separated was when they went to the senior high school. They later got together and kept their friendship very strong.

In 2014, Akua fell in love with a man who appeared very responsible. The man, a PhD holder who resides and works in the United States, told Akua that his wife had left him and after some years he had overcome it and wanted to move on. She believed him. And he convinced her to leave her job and relocate to the US so that they could study each other for sometime before getting married. She believed him more. They lived together in North Carolina until Akua got a job in New York as a caregiver.

Fiona is currently a student of the Ghana Institute of Management and Public Administration (GIMPA). Akua describes her as “ambitious and very forceful.” She had spoken very highly of Fiona to her husband-to-be. She also told Fiona how good her husband-to-be was. Akua later got alarmed when she realised that Fiona and her man were in touch with each other through WhatsApp. Her man dismissed the idea of anything fishy between them when Akua expressed her concern.

That notwithstanding, Akua trusted Fiona so much that when she called and said she wanted to visit the US, it didn’t occur to Akua that she could be a threat to her relationship. Fiona, according to Akua, often went to MOGPA to pray and would encourage her with bible quotations and prayers when she had challenges in her relationship. Akua trusted Fiona.

In July last year, some employees from Fiona’s company were attending a conference in the US for a week and she wanted to use that opportunity to visit the US. Fiona was not part of the official delegation but she convinced management of her company to add her name to the list the company was submitting to the US Embassy in Accra for the American visa. When she secured the visa, she took a two-month leave without pay. She could not afford the plane ticket so Akua bought her a return ticket. It cost her $1,500.

Akua works as a caregiver and had just finished her leave when Fiona called that she was visiting. Akua asked her man to pick Fiona up from the Airport. Akua could not get permission from her employers to visit her home in North Carolina while Fiona was there. Fiona was alone with her man. Akua said her man became distant so she became alarmed and questioned him whether it was because of Fiona. Her boyfriend got angry and threatened to throw Fiona out if Akua did not stop her suspicion. She was reassured.

Serwaa, the end of the matter is that Fiona was sleeping with her friend’s boyfriend. Her trip to the US was for that singular purpose, Akua now believes. Fiona has a brother in the US but told Akua that she was not on good terms with her brother so she could not go to live with him. Akua later found out that that was a lie. Fiona’s brother, in fact, did not know that she was coming to the US. He knew about Akua and her man and the fact that Akua was not always with her man in North Carolina. He would have objected to Fiona staying with her friend’s boyfriend alone.

When Akua realized that she had paid for the plane ticked for her friend to come and snatch her boyfriend, it was too late. Fiona became pregnant and she said Akua’s boyfriend is responsible. The man has accepted responsibility, according to Akua. Akua’s man has thrown her out of his house. She is heartbroken. It has become a family feud between Akua and Fiona’s families. Meanwhile Fiona’s excuse is that she didn’t know Akua and the man she was pregnant for were dating.

But that is not the end of the story. It appears Fiona purchased an expired product with counterfeit currency. The man Akua was dating was actually married and had a child. He was not divorced as he made her believe. He has reunited with his wife and Akua does not think he will marry Fiona. She is still hurt that her best friend betrayed her.

Serwaa, I am sure you know stories of this nature abound. What you may not understand is why I am asking you to keep your female friends away from me. Is it that I don’t trust myself? Not at all. Am I falling for them already? Far from it! Neither I am I giving you an excuse to do anything silly.

I just don’t feel comfortable that your friend, Ewurabena, seems to know so much about our relationship and even visits me unannounced. The best way to save your relationship is to keep your friends away from your man. I don’t like the fact that anytime we have a misunderstanding you discuss it with her and she often calls to speak to me. Your female friends must not know when you are not on good terms with your man. That’s when your man is most vulnerable. That is when they are likely to strike.

Ewurabena may not be like Fiona but it is not for nothing that our elders say the head of a human being is not like pawpaw so that one can cut open and examine its content. Indeed, the mind of a human being is like a lady’s bag; only its owner can tell its exact content at every point in time. Even if you know her mind today, you cannot be sure of what she is thinking tomorrow. I know she is like your sister and you pray together, but I think you should keep her a little away from our relationship. When she last said she wanted a man just like me to marry, I thought you would rebuke her. Instead, you told her that then she should pray hard because men like me were extinct. And I know you say similar things to some of your friends. You may think you are praising me but you end up inviting unsolicited bidders. Our elders say a dog that has a juicy bone does not bark. So keep your mouth shut and enjoy your relationship.

Some men have waywardness in their DNA. They don’t need any prompting to make advances at friends of their wives or girlfriends. Others, too, are lured into such traps and before they realize it, they are in an inescapable mess. Your friend should not know the strengths and weakness of your boyfriend or husband. A seductive woman becomes almost irresistible when she knows the strengths and weaknesses of her prey. Stop telling your friends what your man doesn’t like about you. When you do that you arm them with the weapon to strike and snatch him away easily.

If you tell a group of friends that your man likes big boobs and you don’t have it, the one amongst them with big boobs knows what to showcase in order to get your man’s attention.

Serwaa, I believe most women ruin their relationships and marriages just because they talk too much and trust their friends too much. You don’t have to take anything for granted no matter the amount of trust you have for your man or your friends. The world is a strange place to be. Biological sister’s are now ruining each other’s marriages and taking over so you cannot be too sure of your friends.

Even when your friend tries and fails, she can hurt your relationship with some seeds of discord that can grow to tear you and your lover apart. They may say certain things about you to your man that may ruin his trust or love for you. He may never ask you about some of them. And if you explain, he may never believe everything you say.

All of us can have only one best friend at a time. When you are in a relationship or marriage, your partner should your best friend. You are my best friend and I am your best friend. On this friendship shall we build our marriage and the gates of divorce shall not prevail against it.

Yours truly,

Manasseh.